Seuss gets the Shakes

** Note: I decided to rewrite a scene from Shakespeare’s A Midsummer Night’s Dream as if Dr. Seuss had written it instead. No offense intended and I hope you find this as amusing as I did. I think combining the sexual antics of Shakespeare with the playful rhyming of Seuss reinforces the comedic effect of the scene.

The section of the play I am rewriting is from Act 2 Scene 1 Lines 188-212

Here are the original lines to refresh thine memory:

Enter Demetrius, Helena following him.

DEMETRIUS:

I love thee not; therefore pursue me not.

Where is Lysander and fair Hermia?

The one I’ll slay; the other slayeth me.

Thou toldst me they were stol’n unto this wood;

And here am I, and wode within this wood,

Because I cannot meet my Hermia.

Hence, get thee gone, and follow me no more.

HELENA:

You draw me, you hard-hearted adamant;

But yet you draw not iron, for my heart

Is true as steel. Leave you your power to draw,

And I shall have no power to follow you.

DEMETRIUS:

Do I entice you? Do I speak you fair?

Or rather do I not in plainest truth

Tell you I do not nor I cannot love you?

HELENA:

And even for that do I love you the more;

I am your spaniel; and, Demetrius,

The more you beat me, I will fawn on you.

Use me but as your spaniel; spurn me, strike me,

Neglect me, lose me; only give me leave,

Unworthy as I am, to follow you.

What worser place can I beg in your love

(And yet a place of high respect with me)

Than to be used as you use your dog?

DEMETRIUS:

Tempt not too much the hatred of my spirit,

For I am sick when I do look on thee.

And now I humbly submit my rewrite:

DEMETRIUS:

I do not love you, don’t follow me

I do not love you, don’t you see?

I do not love you here or there

I do not love you anywhere

I do not love you, there is no we

Helena, Helena please let me be

Where is Lysander, where is he?

Where is Hermia, where could she be?

I’ll kill him and she kills me

I need her, I love her, don’t you see?

Helena, Helena please let me be

You said that they came this way

They are not here–so go away!

I do not love you, don’t you see?

Helena, Helena please let me be

I would not, could not in the woods

I would not want to if I could

I could not love you even if I should

So do not follow me, it will do no good

HELENA:

Like metal to magnet you draw me near

Could you love me and calm my fears?

Yet, if you were to demagnetize 

I’d no longer desire you between my thighs

DEMETRIUS:

I have not tricked you or told you lies?

The love you sell my heart won’t buy

HELENA:

You push me away like a common whore

Even so it is you I adore

I am your hounddog baying at the moon

Even if you beat me and come too soon

Use me, abuse me as you will

Do what you want till you have your fill

Believe me, Demetrius, I will love you still

Would you, could you, throw me a treat

Or at least, my love, let me lay at your feet?

DEMETRIUS:

I do not love you don’t you see?!

Helena, Helena let me be!

Your very presence sickens me!

~Melanie Blackwell

Forgive me  😉