Cell Memory

there-

do you see it?

look!

look harder

you gotta kinda squint your eyes

and let go

let the focus slide a little off

and look with your soul

with the wide red eyes of your heart

now

LOOK

do you see?

do you SEE?

♦

i dreamt of you and that is the scary part

it’s not just that you’re you and you’re beautiful

it’s that you are so aptly suited to me

like i couldn’t have built you better

♦

sometimes, oh, sometimes i think i am so STUPID —

so stupid to let myself get into this mess

but i’ve been living it for so long i don’t know what else to do or how else to be

sometimes,  oh sometimes,  i wonder

♦

yes, it is to You, but i won’t let you read this

because it doesn’t mean anything

and you don’t need to know

it’s all been to someone

all of it

it’s always been aimed somewhere

just happens to be you — this time

which is to say —

it’s the most real thing in the world

♦

but in the end

it is less about you

and more about me

because when you’re gone

i will still have my words

♦

me and my Words

a match made somewhere on the rim of hell

♦

oh, and i don’t even know what i’m blathering about anymore

it’s all gotten lost in the translation from thought to tongue to paper

it is all lost

and i’m

lost

LOST

♦

if I keep this up I’m gonna say something I can’t take back

going to confess some terrible rhyme

one of these days you’ll take your hair down and it will kill me

i don’t know how to explain but i have this THING for hair

for long dark hair on long white men

it’s something older than time and a memory in my cells

some THING that makes my soul ache

♦

i am ample distraction

if i sit here long enough

maybe i’ll sprout roots

maybe i’ll grow on you

(sounds like a threat to me — better run!)

(come undone)

(better do it, now –or else)

♦

when you opened the door did you expect to find me?

do you know what you are looking at?

do you know me and will you hear my name?

♦

i don’t ask or offer because i don’t want to be turned down

even gracious objection is wounding enough on its own

without the killing pain of outright refusal

but — you KNOW, now you know, i told you and you still talk to me like i’m a human being —

that is something

something i wouldn’t have had the guts for a year ago

do you ever wonder at the tide of time?

do you wonder as the candy-man plinks coins off the links in my spine?

♦

not like that, not like it was but as it will be

future imperfect, the residual of years of languages —

♦

wild

feral

bestial

Queen

oh the things

you might have been

♦

i couldn’t let it be a secret, not this time, you’re too you for me to have suffered in silence

where is this going?

is it at an end —

oh gods

i don’t know

how to end

i never have

that’s my curse

and gift i guess

this mobius strip of endless dithering

i think i must

stop

now

or else

it’s time

now

for my date

with

Death

~Melanie Blackwell

*an old journal entry unearthed